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JayBaen
Source unknown.

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Like most Americans who can read above the fifth-grade level, you may wonder how President George W. Bush gets away with the outrageous things he does. I have good news for you! The staff here at Morbo Consulting Corporation, Inc. (a wholly owned subsidiary of Halliburton) has been studying the Bush approach and has released the following step-by-step guide to creating your own Bush administration. Now you too can come up with insane, thoroughly discredited ideas and see them passed by Congress right in the comfort of your own home! Just follow each step carefully, and you can’t go wrong.

Step One: Back some absurd, outlandish scheme that was discredited more than a century ago and that no thinking, rational person would today advocate — for example, calling for the repeal of laws banning child labor.

Step Two: Change the terminology of the debate. Of course you can’t come right out and say, “Today I am calling for a repeal of the laws banning child labor.” Instead, give your approach a user-friendly, euphemistic title. Words to use include “America” (or “Americans”), “Opportunity,” “Freedom,” “Patriot,” “Tax-reduction,” etc. With the right words, a bill repealing child labor laws can easily become “The Young Americans’ Employment Opportunity Act of 2005.”

Step Three: Hold “town meetings” in red states or the red parts of blue states. Be sure to carefully screen the audience until only sycophants are left. Have the Secret Service, FBI, CIA, NSA, state police, local police or a hired College Republican goon squad remove the following: anyone carrying a sign that opposes your plan; anyone who came in car bearing a left-wing bumper sticker; anyone who came in a Volvo or a Prius; anyone wearing a t-shirt, button, hat, etc. that expresses opposition to any conservative idea; anyone wearing Birkenstocks; anyone with a neatly trimmed beard wearing a tweed coat (probably a college professor); anyone drinking “designer coffee”; anyone eating an ice cream cone that was purchased at a Ben and Jerry’s; anyone who looks like a “radical liberal.” (Helpful Hints: Have local GOP activists screen people as they enter the room and ask them what long-distance service they use and what kind of mileage their vehicle gets. If they reply “Working Assets,” to the first and any number above 12 to the second, have the College Republican goons escort them to the “free speech/protest zone” across town, near where the slaughterhouses used to be.)

Step Four: Create warm, fuzzy anecdotes and have real Americans tell them. Distribute liberally at the town meetings. Example:



“Thanks for welcoming me to Fort Collins, Colo. It’s great to see you all here. With us today are Spenser and Emma, who live right here in Fort Collins. They’re great Americans. Spenser is 10 and Emma is 8. Spenser, what are you going to buy with all that money once the Young Americans’ Employment Opportunity Act passes?”

Spenser: Legos!

“And what about you, Emma?”

Emma: Ponies!

“That’s great. Legos and ponies. What great Americans. You see, my opponents don’t want Spenser and Emma to have Legos and ponies. I do. I guess that’s one difference between us.”

Step Five: Have industry backers create a phony “grassroots” organization. A name like “Americans for America’s Future” is best. Commence issuing press releases, paid advertisements, airing of “news segments” on the Fox News Channel, etc.

Step Six: Accuse your opponents of having no plan. Use lines like this: “I ask my opponents, ‘What’s your plan?’ You say you’re against the Young Americans’ Employment Opportunity Act. So what’s your plan for bringing Legos and ponies to boys and girls like Spenser and Emma?”

Step Seven: Have a Heritage Foundation front group release a phony study making wildly inflated claims to the media. Don’t worry, they won’t bother to check the facts, and soon you’ll have a story like this in all of the papers:

“A study released today by the American Council on American Worker Rights shows that passage of the Young Americans’ Employment Opportunity Act will pump $60 billion into the economy the first year after its passage and create 4.8 million new jobs.”

About two weeks later, some academic somewhere will release a study disputing these claims. It will point out that the pony market in America is limited to 9-to-11 year-old girls, many of whom would be afraid of a real pony, and note that Legos are made in China, Switzerland and Denmark. Don’t worry. It will appear as seven paragraphs on page A17 of The Washington Post, and two of those paragraphs will be opposition quotes from a spokesman for the American Council on American Worker Rights. After all, “both sides” must be heard.

Step Eight: Place an op-ed supporting the act by Zell Miller in The Wall Street Journal. Claim bipartisan support. Release new poll by Americans for America’s Future showing that Americans overwhelmingly support the idea of children who want Legos and ponies being allowed to have them if their parents agree.

Step Nine: Call Democrats who are fighting the legislation “obstructionists who oppose giving all Americans access to the American dream.” Point to examples of children mentioned in the Bible and have the Religious Right start a congressional phone campaign.

Step Ten: Bask in House and Senate approval of your legislation. Sign the bill during an opulent Rose Garden ceremony flanked by children who want Legos and ponies while industry lobbyists stay way out of sight.

See how easy it is? Why, it’s so simple even a — ahem — child could do it.

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JB
InfiniteWarrior
Oh, man! biggrin.gif

...I'd still be laughing if that weren't - sorta - true. Yikes. :\

Aside, Nonsense is the New Sense, although I liked the original title better. Does that mean "Totalitarianism is the New Democracy?"
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